{March 21, 2011}   Insomnia Gives Way to Random Thoughts

 For some reason, the phrase “if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything” popped into my head tonight. I don’t know why..must be the insomnia, as I have random thoughts coming to mind in the wee hours of the morning. I suppose there are some benefits to a sleepless night. I am not sure it is true, although a healthy person may disagree with me. Yes, having ones’ health is very important, but if you don’t have it, you learn of other ways to gain fulfillment and joy, even if the joy is fleeting. I appreciate the smaller things in life now, as corny as that sounds. I am not sure if this illness was teaching me a lesson to slow down. Before getting sick, I was very type-A, and go go go..thrived on work and learning new things. I would sometimes forget to eat and sleep, due to this overwhelming drive. Well, I suppose being on that path kind of set me up for iffy health. You can’t push your body to its limits and then expect it to function normally. I get that lesson now, but I am just not sure I needed six years to learn it. I may not have my health, but I do have supportive and loving family and friends, as well as an amazing husband. I have a beautiful nephew whom I absolutely adore. I think the phrase should be changed to “if you don’t have family and friends, you don’t have anything.” I just believe that family and friends are essential, or at least a faithful dog or cat. Hmm, maybe someone who doesn’t have that may disagree with me, and change the statement to whatever in life is most important to them. I suppose it is subjective. I am not sure if I will return to the way I used to be before I became sick. I’d like to think I would take it easy and pace myself through life, instead of full speed ahead 100% of the time, but I’m not sure. I just think I have missed out on so much of life that I want to get back some of the time I’ve lost–make up for it. My husband says it isn’t a race, and no one is competing with me, and I know that. I think I am my own worst critic sometimes, but I think most people are that way. I know it may be selfish to want so much out of life, but if I could just feel 75% healthy, I’d be happy–could work with that. I don’t think that is asking too much. My Lyme doctor mentioned a herbal protocol she wanted to discuss with me at my next appointment. I don’t know why I forgot to mention this before. My memory is just awful lately. She did say it was going to be expensive, and surprise surprise, insurance doesn’t cover it. Insurance doesn’t cover the majority of what patients desperately need..kind of makes you wonder what it is good for, although it is better than the alternative of no insurance. I would be up for a herbal protocol, although the Cowden Protocol I’ve tried in the past didn’t really work. I’m not sure it was strong enough. I want to try the Zhang Protocol maybe, or Dr. Klinghardt’s Bee Venom Protocol. There are quite a few options, and of course it is trial and error when Lyme is in its chronic stages. I just wish I could afford to pay for more things. Disability doesn’t pay anything, and when I am done paying my bills, I only have a small amount left over. Yes, my husband works, but he has his own bills to pay too, plus the rent. I am not able to help him at all, and that makes me feel bad. I used to be able to contribute at least half the rent, but once we got married, the SSA took away a large chunk of my benefits, as “your husband is responsible for you now.” Yeah, ok, sexist much? That really bothered me, although I was told that it would be the same situation if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was the one working and my husband was sick. I don’t know, just seems twisted to me. A person still needs to pay for things they need, married or not, and it’s not fair for the healthy person to shoulder the burden even more than they already are. I suppose I should try sleeping now, as it is near 2:30 in the morning. Night all.


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