{March 21, 2011}   Thursday Thoughts


I am feeling a bit better today, but still extremely tired. It seems as if the fatigue never fully relents, and even when I do get better, I am sure that symptom will always be around to some extent. I have a doctor appointment on the 15th, so I am praying that something positive will happen. Dr. Burrascano, one of the top Lyme doctors, is giving a conference in California on the 21st, and will be speaking about alternative treatments for Chronic Lyme, and other unexplored options. I am so excited about this, and am hoping my Lyme doctor attends, so I can be aware of these treatments. I need to try something new. I’ve tried oral antibiotics, intravenous antibiotics, homeopathic remedies and exercise–basically everything under the sun, and I’ve just had modest results. I want my life back!! It is going to be hard, but I know that. I will probably herx like crazy in the first few months, but the key for me is not to give up. I can’t give up, even when I become worse during treatment. I am thinking I need to start a naturopathic regimen, instead of the run of the mill oral antibiotics I’ve tried in the past. We will see what happens.
         What I do want is to get back to writing, and I suppose this is a start, but I want to get back to writing short stories and poetry, the way I used to. I have journals of my writing from years ago, and looking at it makes me think to myself: “Wow, the words just flowed so easily.” The Lyme has really stripped me of that talent, and I feel like I cannot do anything particularly well anymore. It shouldn’t be such a struggle to write for me, but I am hoping that it will come back the more I do it.
            I am just watching Top Chef now, and soap operas later. I find that they are good distractions for me, from thinking about my illness too much. I think that is paramount–distractions. If someone just sits around all day and doesn’t focus their attention on anything else, they will go absolutely insane and actually get worse physically. I don’t want that to happen, obviously.
          We are completely buried under three feet of snow up here in Vermont, and are supposed to get even more come Friday. I love it here, but come on, it is March. It’s about time this stuff melted and made way for Spring. I feel bad for my husband, as he is the one shoveling all of it. I tried shoveling once, on my birthday, no less, and while I did feel good about doing that right after, I paid an enormous cost in a physical sense. My heart was going haywire and I started getting horrible chest pain and muscle aching..lasted for about two weeks. I know it was just so stupid of me, but I wanted to help. I always want to help, even though I usually relapse from doing so. I just want to feel useful, not like I am taking up space on this earth. I know most people who love me would beg to differ with me on that feeling–that I am valuable and useful, but when you can’t physically do anything, you are bound to feel a bit unnecessary, like you are just living in the world, but not really participating in what that world has to offer..kind of just sitting on the sidelines.
               Ok, well, this is all I have to say for today..maybe will write later. Thanks for reading, although I am not sure anyone really is. Maybe? Wishful thinking. 🙂

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